Soiling the Nest : Is my young adult a total Jerk??

You’ve bought the mattress topper, ordered the mini-fridge, and argued about whether they really need 14 hoodies. The bags are almost packed. And just when you think you might finally enjoy a peaceful moment together before move-in day… they start acting like a total jerk.

Welcome to the final stage of childhood: the part where your sweet teen transforms into someone who seems to pick fights just to prove they can live without you. It’s not personal (even though it feels like it). It’s psychological. And it’s called soiling the nest.

Let’s talk about it.

“Soiling the Nest”: Why Your Kid’s Acting Like This

“Soiling the nest” is a term we use in psychology to describe the totally normal, completely maddening behavior that often shows up right before a kid leaves home. Think: mood swings, unnecessary attitude, weird independence flexes, and general withdrawal. This is your teen’s subconscious way of making it easier to separate.

If they can convince themselves (and maybe you) that you’re the worst, walking away won’t hurt as much. It’s clumsy, defensive, and deeply human.

The hard truth? You’re the safest place they know, so you get the ugliest side of their goodbye.

You Thought the Storm Was Over—Surprise! There's One More Squall

As a psychologist who’s worked with many families during this transition, I’ve seen this pattern over and over again.

Parents think the hard part is over once the college acceptances are in. You survived the stress of applications, essays, and decision-making. Now it should be smooth sailing, right?

Except it’s not. Instead of enjoying those last meaningful weeks together, you're suddenly navigating eye rolls, emotional shutdowns, or a level of snark you haven’t seen since the middle school years. You're trying to plan family dinners or squeeze in one more cozy night on the couch, and your kid seems like they couldn't care less.

You're probably putting extra pressure on yourself, too—trying to end this chapter “the right way.” But your teen? They’re already emotionally packed. They don’t want a farewell tour. They want space. Maybe even a little conflict, just to make the separation feel easier.

It’s disorienting. It’s painful. And it’s normal.

What You Can Do (Besides Drink Wine and Cry in Target)

1. Don’t Take the Bait
You don’t have to match their mood. You don’t have to fix their feelings. You do have to keep showing up with calm, kindness, and maybe some boundaries around tone and respect.

2. Name the Moment
Call it out—gently. “This seems like a weird in-between time. I’m proud of you, but I’m also feeling a lot. Are you?” Saying it out loud can ease the tension.

3. Negotiate Connection
Let them lead when possible. Ask how often they’d like to check in after move-in. Weekly texts? Memes only? Don’t assume—but don’t disappear either.

4. Reclaim Your Own Life
Yes, you’ll miss them. Yes, you’ll worry. But they still need to see you thriving (or at least trying). Reconnect with the parts of yourself that existed before snack duty and back-to-school nights. This is your transition too.

Want to Stay Close? Let Them Go

The irony? The more you cling, the more they pull. The more you trust them to figure it out (and show you believe they can), the more they’ll actually reach back when they need you.

Here’s the good news: if you handle this phase with steadiness and grace—not perfection, but grace—you’re giving them a soft place to land later. When they’re two weeks into college and feeling homesick or overwhelmed, they’ll remember that you didn’t guilt them or make them feel bad about growing up. You just stayed solid.

That’s the kind of parent a kid wants to call when they’re crying in a dorm bathroom, wondering if they made the right choice.

This is the part where your relationship evolves—from director to consultant, from fixer to witness. It's not easy. But it’s where the magic happens.

Let Them Know You’ll Be Okay, Too

You don’t want to say, “I’m glad you’re leaving.” Of course not. But you do want to send the message: “I believe you can do this—and I can, too.”

It’s comforting for teens to know you’re sad they’re going, but still emotionally sturdy. If they sense that you’re falling apart or secretly hoping they’ll stay, they might carry guilt or second-guess themselves. Confidence is contagious. You’re not just sending them off with a suitcase—you’re sending them off with the belief that they can handle what’s ahead. And that you can, too.

Final Thoughts (And a Little Permission)

If you’re feeling emotional whiplash—one minute sobbing over baby pictures, the next ready to throw their AirPods out the window—you’re not doing it wrong. You’re just in it.

This is a huge shift for both of you. You’re not letting go of your kid. You’re letting go of this version of your relationship. And if you do it with some grace, some humor, and a lot of self-compassion, what comes next can be even better.

Need Some Support?

As a psychologist, I help parents and teens navigate big transitions like this—honestly, thoughtfully, and with room for both laughter and tears. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, I’m here.